All posts tagged: Love

Birdsong

Time heals. I feel time passing like water smoothing out the edges of what was once sharp allowing my life to take on new forms. But there is one thing that remains and that has seemed to deepen – this sense of fragility. I feel fragile within myself. Not fragile as in weak but fragile as in delicate and easily awoken. Things that once seemed so ordinary no longer are. The wind passing along my skin, a butterfly, the birdsong that wakes me – I not only hear them but I can feel them move through me. I have become mindful of the little things. I have become aware of impermanence. I’m secretly grateful to be alive. The experience of trauma and healing has led me to place of gratitude and deeper awareness. I don’t think that I will ever forget what happened. It was a lesson in love for me. Him I have already forgotten and all I can say about him is that he is an aberration of what it means to be …

Milestone

My New Year no longer begins on the 1st of January but on the 29th of May – the day I said no to an abusive narcissist and yes to life itself. Tomorrow I celebrate by setting new intentions for the year to come. This time last year I was in a lot of pain – both emotionally and physically. I felt that my world was falling apart and I knew that I had to let it. From that point onward, once my bruises had healed, the year that followed became a year of gathering and polishing. I searched relentlessly for all those pieces of myself that I had lost or forgotten. I encouraged myself to go into the unknown and to remain sensitive to whatever made my heartbeat. One year on and I am still very much in the unknown because I refuse to settle. I refuse to make quick decisions in order to feel more secure. Instead, I have been working hard on cultivating a new vision of my life that incorporates my …

Black and white photograph of stairway tiles in Prague.

Reimagining Life

My life seems to have a life of its own. When I stop, I can sense its undercurrent flowing beneath the shape of things, creating the waves of events that make up my life. If I am still enough I can see it forming as it passes through me. A few months ago, when I felt myself become undone, I withdrew and surrendered to just observing how my life would unfold if I just let it. If I surrendered my expectations and all the negative noise in my head and any need for control, what would happen? I was also very exhausted and confused so I was technically unable to control anything but I could surrender and that is what I did. First I surrendered to self-care. I put myself on a diet that supported both my physical and emotional health. I surrendered to exercise twice a day even if it only meant going out for a walk. I surrendered to creating a personal space that was completely my own and that reflected the goals …

On Being Enough

If we don’t claim our emotions, they claim us. I understand what it feels like not to be enough. It was an emotion introduced to me by my abusive ex and it’s an emotion that I don’t ever want anyone close to me to feel. It’s a false emotion that is empty of truth and causes severe damage. It comes from a place of personal shame that the one who is projecting it wants to escape. They are unable to cope with it so they shame you by using whatever they can to make you feel not good enough. My ex suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. His ability to feel guilt is flawed. Instead, he feels shame and his shame causes him to shame others and it results in his abusive behaviour. He is unable to separate himself from his behaviour which deepens his shame and because he can’t objectively control his behaviour he is at its mercy. He becomes the abuser – he can’t help himself. He is lacking the internal mechanism that allows …