All posts filed under: Personal

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My relationship with him embodied my relationship to fear. I was afraid of him and I allowed that fear to control me instead of questioning it. When I found the courage to question it, our relationship fell apart because it had no substance and it had no wisdom. Our relationship was a shell. A tiring cycle of narcissistic abuse and empty violent projections that I fed into. For one reason or another, I found it easier to deal with his fears than to take control of the situation and pull myself out of it. When I left him I realized that a huge chunk of my life was missing and he couldn’t care less about what happened to me. Instead, he continued to invent stories that fed his ego with a complete and shocking disregard not only for me but also for reality. I also found myself surrounded by a wall of overwhelming fear. Overwhelming for two reasons – my Ex inspired fear in me (it was his modus operandi) and at the same time …

Birdsong

Time heals. I feel time passing like water smoothing out the edges of what was once sharp allowing my life to take on new forms. But there is one thing that remains and that has seemed to deepen – this sense of fragility. I feel fragile within myself. Not fragile as in weak but fragile as in delicate and easily awoken. Things that once seemed so ordinary no longer are. The wind passing along my skin, a butterfly, the birdsong that wakes me – I not only hear them but I can feel them move through me. I have become mindful of the little things. I have become aware of impermanence. I’m secretly grateful to be alive. The experience of trauma and healing has led me to place of gratitude and deeper awareness. I don’t think that I will ever forget what happened. It was a lesson in love for me. Him I have already forgotten and all I can say about him is that he is an aberration of what it means to be …

Milestone

My New Year no longer begins on the 1st of January but on the 29th of May – the day I said no to an abusive narcissist and yes to life itself. Tomorrow I celebrate by setting new intentions for the year to come. This time last year I was in a lot of pain – both emotionally and physically. I felt that my world was falling apart and I knew that I had to let it. From that point onward, once my bruises had healed, the year that followed became a year of gathering and polishing. I searched relentlessly for all those pieces of myself that I had lost or forgotten. I encouraged myself to go into the unknown and to remain sensitive to whatever made my heartbeat. One year on and I am still very much in the unknown because I refuse to settle. I refuse to make quick decisions in order to feel more secure. Instead, I have been working hard on cultivating a new vision of my life that incorporates my …

Sultanahmet photographed by Martina Korkmaz for The Depth of Now, Istanbul

On Tenderness

As I wait, I write and the more I write, the more I am immersed in this other world made up of authors and books and words that awaken my imagination. Reading to me now is like stepping into a dimly lit room – I look at everything carefully. I look at the structure, the words used, the way that I am led in and out of paragraphs. Everything has meaning to me. I am looking for signs of the tools used to craft the piece of writing. I am looking for what I can learn from and make my own. But seven months ago when I first started to write I didn’t want to read because I didn’t want to be influenced. I had been living for years under the influence of my abusive husband and I wanted out of influence and into my own space. I wanted to breathe and know what my own voice sounded like. I was afraid that reading would influence my thoughts and take over what I expected of …

The Depth of Now

Happy 2018!

It’s the last day of the year and I am glad that the year is finally almost over. It was a hard year for me but at the same time with many deep blessings. For me it was a year of brand new beginnings and 2018 will be about stepping into the new and making it my own. I can feel it and I’m excited. What is most exciting about this new year – unlike any other year – is that it marks a clean break from the past. My life is very different now thanks to the courage I somehow found to change my life. What I am most grateful for in 2017 is trusting myself and letting go of what was getting in the way of realizing my life purpose which is simply living life in a way that is meaningful to me. This year I managed to get rid of all that had hindered this from happening. I cut off the dead weight and everything that clung to it and in letting …