All posts filed under: Personal

Sultanahmet photographed by Martina Korkmaz for The Depth of Now, Istanbul

On Tenderness

As I wait, I write and the more I write, the more I am immersed in this other world made up of authors and books and words that awaken my imagination. Reading to me now is like stepping into a dimly lit room – I look at everything carefully. I look at the structure, the words used, the way that I am led in and out of paragraphs. Everything has meaning to me. I am looking for signs of the tools used to craft the piece of writing. I am looking for what I can learn from and make my own. But seven months ago when I first started to write I didn’t want to read because I didn’t want to be influenced. I had been living for years under the influence of my abusive husband and I wanted out of influence and into my own space. I wanted to breathe and know what my own voice sounded like. I was afraid that reading would influence my thoughts and take over what I expected of …

The Depth of Now

Happy 2018!

It’s the last day of the year and I am glad that the year is finally almost over. It was a hard year for me but at the same time with many deep blessings. For me it was a year of brand new beginnings and 2018 will be about stepping into the new and making it my own. I can feel it and I’m excited. What is most exciting about this new year – unlike any other year – is that it marks a clean break from the past. My life is very different now thanks to the courage I somehow found to change my life. What I am most grateful for in 2017 is trusting myself and letting go of what was getting in the way of realizing my life purpose which is simply living life in a way that is meaningful to me. This year I managed to get rid of all that had hindered this from happening. I cut off the dead weight and everything that clung to it and in letting …


Silence that Speaks

From the first few sentences, I knew that I wouldn’t put the book down until the very end.  I’ve been searching for a book that would reassure me that the path that I was on was the right one. I was looking for a voice that understood my questions and I found it echoing in this book. It lite up my aloneness and made it more comfortable. He had me at writing embodies the love of paradox. Yes. It was my love of paradox that inspired me to write as a way of exploring this love. But this wasn’t something I talked about much. I mentioned it to my mother because she was there to listen. It is what inspires me and I find difficult to put into words but it’s what drives me – this love.  I was speaking with my mother the other day and I mentioned to her that everything rests on the beauty of paradox and what lays beyond its edges is beyond words. We can go there but we need to …

Black and white image of roses in a garden.

On Creating a Doorway

It was something that I had never done before. I only knew that it was magic. I could feel it and I wanted to know more about it. Where did this magic come from? And how could I become it? I wanted to become a writer. And so I started to study. I completed courses in writing that inspired me – travel writing, fiction and non-fiction. I learned that writing meant so much more than just putting words on a page – it meant reading a lot, it meant not holding on too tightly, it meant shapeshifting in and out of meaning in order to share and to move. There was hard work involved and I soon realized that if I wanted to see any type of results, I would need to surrender to it. Learning about writing gave me a sense of how to structure my thoughts and create flow. But no matter how many books I read or courses I took, I realized that how to become a writer was not something that …

Woman covered in smoke

finding my “Why”

After that pivotal moment in my life when I realised that I was in an abusive relationship and I wanted out, it became clear to me that I would need to dig deep if I was going to change the pattern of my life. I was a good person – but good wasn’t good enough for me. My good allowed me to put the needs of others before my own and my abusive marriage showed me just how dangerous this could be. It was time to redefine for myself what it meant to be good and this time it would be redefined from the inside out. I would be good to myself. What did it mean to start being good to myself? It meant digging beneath all those emotions and values that were relative to other people and taking another look at what truly inspired me about living life. What was it about living life that made me emotional? What gave me a sense of fulfilment? If I could name these things, then I could …

Black and white photograph of stairway tiles in Prague.

Reimagining Life

My life seems to have a life of its own. When I stop, I can sense its undercurrent flowing beneath the shape of things, creating the waves of events that make up my life. If I am still enough I can see it forming as it passes through me. A few months ago, when I felt myself become undone, I withdrew and surrendered to just observing how my life would unfold if I just let it. If I surrendered my expectations and all the negative noise in my head and any need for control, what would happen? I was also very exhausted and confused so I was technically unable to control anything but I could surrender and that is what I did. First I surrendered to self-care. I put myself on a diet that supported both my physical and emotional health. I surrendered to exercise twice a day even if it only meant going out for a walk. I surrendered to creating a personal space that was completely my own and that reflected the goals …

Black and white image of roses.

A New Beginning

Today feels like the official beginning of the rest of my life – it’s been 6 months since I left my abusive marriage. 6 months of healing in peace and surrounded by a lot of love and today I feel like my life is different. It has become my own again and it feels good. There is still insecurity but it is the insecurity of moving into the new and the unknown. And this inspires a particular kind of fear that won’t leave me. I refuse to give into it and it won’t go away so we move forward together. But at least the fear is my own and it doesn’t carry the weight of his abuse or of having to face him in any way. My home is peaceful and I feel much kinder to those around me. I am free in myself and I am no longer self conscious. There is no one around making inappropriate jealous remarks or asking insecure questions. My life has its own rhythm and daily rituals that nurture …


On Being Enough

If we don’t claim our emotions, they claim us. I understand what it feels like not to be enough. It was an emotion introduced to me by my abusive ex and it’s an emotion that I don’t ever want anyone close to me to feel. It’s a false emotion that is empty of truth and causes severe damage. It comes from a place of personal shame that the one who is projecting it wants to escape. They are unable to cope with it so they shame you by using whatever they can to make you feel not good enough. My ex suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. His ability to feel guilt is flawed. Instead, he feels shame and his shame causes him to shame others and it results in his abusive behaviour. He is unable to separate himself from his behaviour which deepens his shame and because he can’t objectively control his behaviour he is at its mercy. He becomes the abuser – he can’t help himself. He is lacking the internal mechanism that allows …


A Sacrifice that Makes Sacred

Personal transformation requires us to go willingly and surrender to the unknown in order to experience the wisdom of knowing. What no longer serves us is sacrificed to change. It’s a process that we undertake as a necessary part of our self-actualization and it is known in myth as the journey to the Dark Goddess. The Dark Goddess deals in change and rebirth is her paradox. She is called the Dark Goddess because the direction we go is the dark unknown. Willingly or unwillingly we surrender to facing our fears by entering the mysterious depths of our subconscious in order to reach her promise of transformation. If we are brave enough and aware enough we make the journey to her willingly because we recognize that change is necessary. We feel stuck and unable to move forward and because of this we turn to the unknown. We let go and we travel deep within seeking guidance, ready to take on the transformation necessary for our own rebirth. Or we face the darkness unprepared, feeling that it …


the Mysteries

Initiation into the mysteries begins when we ask the right question and are committed enough to then step into the unknown to experience our way into the answer.

No one can answer our innermost questions for us. It requires courage and an ability to trust our intuition.

Graphiti in Istanbul

A Slowing Down of Something

I woke up this morning suddenly to what felt like a wildfire burning within me. All I could do was stare up at the ceiling and watch. My hands across my chest. The tiniest spark had set my darkness on fire and as I watched this fire, I thought – is this what desire looks like? Is this the beginning of feeling again? But I was still in too much pain to want anything. I thought of this burning darkness and I knew right then that I didn’t belong to myself. I belonged to healing, to decision, to creation, to love – I was emptying myself of myself and moving back to the centre of my heart. It was a spark of kindness that had ignited this fire. And then brought back the wetness of the rivers and the rain, finding no will to stop it. “Can you see it?” I thought to myself. “Love is falling in love with you.”     Advertisements