Sometimes I feel like I am living two lives – an inner and an outer life and both equally strong. For the past year and a half, my intuition has been much stronger. The voice of it much clearer and I wonder why that is. Is it because I have tried hard to listen for it? Or because the experience of trauma has left me more open to it? Or is it because I have chosen to follow my fears as a type of compass and that has lead me closer to it? No matter the reason I feel so much more sensitive to it.
So as I prepare my daily life I also prepare my other life. One I prepare with my eyes open and the other with my eyes closed. As I take from one, I give in to the other. Within me, there is another her and I am surprised at how precise she is in creating this other world – the symbols she chooses as her doorways, her otherworldly rational and the simplicity of her execution – as if for her all this confusion never really existed.
She had known all along and simply waited for me to give in.
Who is she? Who is the other that moves me? Who is this woman who turns her back on the end and pulls constantly at the beginning?
Life has its own rhythm that we colour with words and thoughts and desires but even without these, it continues to flow.
So I withdraw my words, thoughts, and desires and instead I lift up my dress and find myself standing in the river that flows through me and collects at my feet. It reflects my face back at me. If I stop thinking it doesn’t stop the flow. So what is it? People try to explain it to me and the best way to move through it but – no matter – it flows. It has its own reasons, its own time and I am a part of it.