It’s the last day of the year and I am glad that the year is finally almost over. It was a hard year for me but at the same time with many deep blessings. For me it was a year of brand new beginnings and 2018 will be about stepping into the new and making it my own. I can feel it and I’m excited.
What is most exciting about this new year – unlike any other year – is that it marks a clean break from the past. My life is very different now thanks to the courage I somehow found to change my life. What I am most grateful for in 2017 is trusting myself and letting go of what was getting in the way of realizing my life purpose which is simply living life in a way that is meaningful to me.
This year I managed to get rid of all that had hindered this from happening. I cut off the dead weight and everything that clung to it and in letting go of him I felt I was letting go of years of bullshit. It wasn’t just him I was getting rid of but also all that he represented and all the fears and lies I had been telling myself that left me entangled in his abuse. It all had to go by pulling it out by the roots. It was all very traumatic yet necessary and deeply satisfying.
My life became very regimented to keep me from thinking negative thoughts that would leave me vulnerable to old habits. I felt like I had entered boot camp. I dedicated myself to a routine of exercise, writing, studying and reading as I waited to submit the divorce paperwork to the courts.
I did have my moments and I am thankful that I had my mother to talk me through them. Seven months later and I have regained my ground. I can breathe without an ounce of fear and I have a new vision for my life.
That abusive part of my life slipped away like a movie ending without any closure. It all just disappeared into that final black screen; the beauty being that it was over. That he, and it, and they were no longer and I could relax into the space that remained.
All that is left now is the final divorce papers and then I will be completely free.
What a journey it has been – a journey of coming home to myself and this year will be a whole new chapter. The act of writing has initiated me into a new way of being in the world and deepened my relationship to it and to myself. It has given me a new sense of freedom that is very personal. It has given me the ability to stand up to myself and not only carve out what is meaningful but to also dig into the magic that makes us.
After all, we are all made of stardust – we are so much more than we could ever imagine so always strive to go beyond what you thought was possible.
My goals for 2018 are…
To speak less and to listen more.
To write a thousand words a day. To give myself a year of writing that allows me to get into the habit and allows me to discover my voice. And to then shape it according to the rules and techniques that I have learned. I am curious as to where my voice will lead me. It’s a sort of experiment.
To (re)discover my tribe. To reconnect with those I care about the most and to meet others who share the same passion as I do. I want to surround myself with people who inspire me and who I can also inspire.
To get back into teaching. To return to teaching English, something I really enjoy doing and did for 5 years while living in Prague. I love being a teacher and to see my students reach their goals. I learn from them as much as they learn from me.
To photograph and print my photographs. To step back into photography and continue to explore this new world of mine through images. Photography is a passion, especially black and white photography but I am also experimenting with colour as you can see from the photographs posted on my blog.
To read more literature. This year I would like to explore Turkish literature starting with the work of Sabahattin Ali, moving on to Elif Shafak and then Orhan Pamuk. I’ll see what other Turkish authors and poets I can discover on the way. It will be an adventure that I am sure will meander between other types of literature.
To enjoy the new me and not look back. To allow myself to become comfortable with the strangeness and the uncertainty that forms the fabric of all our lives. To stay close to the experience of life and to write about it.
To fall in love and not limit myself with expectations. To take all that I am and fall in love with the world again, diving deep and beyond what is expected.
I can’t say for certain that I know the exact direction that my life is heading because I don’t. I have made some tentative plans but I have also left room for the unexpected. There is still an element of mystery to my life and I have to wait and see when it comes to making key decisions. While I work towards my goals I am also practising patience. I am grateful for everything and expect nothing – this is my motto for 2018.
Wishing you a Happy New Year! 🎉🍸 May it be bright and full of love.