A New Beginning

Black and white image of roses.

Today feels like the official beginning of the rest of my life – it’s been 6 months since I left my abusive marriage. 6 months of healing in peace and surrounded by a lot of love and today I feel like my life is different. It has become my own again and it feels good.

There is still insecurity but it is the insecurity of moving into the new and the unknown. And this inspires a particular kind of fear that won’t leave me. I refuse to give into it and it won’t go away so we move forward together.

But at least the fear is my own and it doesn’t carry the weight of his abuse or of having to face him in any way. My home is peaceful and I feel much kinder to those around me. I am free in myself and I am no longer self conscious. There is no one around making inappropriate jealous remarks or asking insecure questions.

My life has its own rhythm and daily rituals that nurture me – I write, I take care of myself, I am creative and I spend time with people I really care about. I feel that I am regaining a sense of what is normal – something I still feel I need to get used to. At least I can feel it now.

My early mornings continue to be sacred. I wake up with a sense of joy and fear and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel very much alive in shaping my own life and I am curious as to what I will make of it. At the moment everything still seems a little blurry.

Every step forward is a slow but steady one. I am being careful about all my decisions, especially about who and what I let into my life. I can’t afford to make the same mistake again or waste time on things that don’t matter. Life is precious.

And, I just turned 40. —– Thank Goodness.

A beautiful round number that ties off my past, closes shut like an iron door and allows me to step into the future renewed.

There was no big celebration – only a silent knowing that I had passed a threshold. I had kept my promise that I made to myself 6 months ago to change my life and that’s the best present I could have ever given to myself.

There is no denying that the abuse has changed me; that I find myself vulnerable in new ways; that I am nervous about falling in love again but at the same time I feel very much alive to myself and to life again. Something I have been missing for much too long.

 

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