Alone and up against the impact of his abuse, I would cry over nothing and feel protective of everything. For the first time, I was feeling weak in my vulnerability.
I have always felt that vulnerability was important to my place in this world.
It was what opened me to feeling that which moved all things. It was my personal connection to what was larger and more beautiful. It allowed me to feel and understand all that gave meaning to my life. It was essential to me.
The problem now wasn’t that I was feeling vulnerable, but that my vulnerability had been wounded and this wound to my vulnerability was causing me pain and disconnection. He had mistaken my vulnerability for a weakness that he could take advantage of.
To now close off my vulnerability from the world would mean that his violence and false assumptions had won. It wasn’t an option.
My initial response to his narcissistic abuse was to slowly start rejecting the parts of myself that he couldn’t accept until I was emptied of all that wasn’t him. What remained was the weight of his hate and his anger and this weight was so foreign to me. Beneath it, I could feel that part of me that wanted so badly to love. That feeling became so great that a shattering and a shift occurred in my mind and heart.
I didn’t want to be loved anymore, instead, I wanted to love. I wanted to be vulnerable again and to be open. I wanted to experience the love I knew was present in my heart – completely.
I understood that all of me was important to who I was in this world and the fear of losing touch with myself was far greater than my need for any type of false belonging to anyone or to anything.
Courage came when I realized I risked losing my connection with what gave me life by giving into the abuse. I needed to stop rejecting myself, and recognize that I was my place in this world, complete in myself and in my becoming. That I was enough and that what I had to give was precious.
There would be no more seeking for love because I knew that I had love.
Instead, I needed to bring myself into the light. I would take all the love in my heart and build a stronger foundation for myself so that I could love with my whole self and with all my vulnerability. This is the part of myself that I am healing and rebuilding now.
I recognize vulnerability as integral to the evolution of my heart.
Its strength is that I can become fragile without breaking. I am able to bend and take shape in order to know and not break beneath the weight of knowing.
It is what allows me to be wounded without becoming the wound and to move past the pain, and into its strength.